just waiting [11 Jun 2005|11:25pm] [ mood | loved ] well its been a while. I passed my classes. not with the best grades but i got all my credits. I made my schedule for the fall. i will still take 4 classes but only got to school 2 days a week. I need to work more, i really need to move on. I never thought i wil say this, but im waiting on himj. I told him how i felt and he just asked me to give him time. he says that he needs time. Im actually waiting for him. i have no other choice. I cant live without him. He completes me. Above all things i need him by my side.... I dont know what else to say.. I know im disapointing a lot of people, but u cant help who you fall in love with.... 12 comments|post comment

All right [10 May 2005|10:57am] Finals aree soo stressful. Yesterday i had to stay in the library until 9 p.m. wrtting my stupid paper. I have soo much shit to catch up on. Well today shan and i are limited time offers, two for one deal!! Well i talked to him yesterday. I cant do it. I cant get him outta my head. I try and i try, but i dont want this to go away. I still got hope. i think about the nagatives and it makes no difference. He took her on the vacation that we had planned for the two of us. I jusat dont get myself now..... 2 comments|post comment

YAYAYAYA!!!!!! [05 May 2005|08:53am] [ mood | calm ] I am so proud of myself. Well last nite i my mom asked to go in to work at 2. I was there untilb 12:30 a.m and i had to be up by 5:30 so i can get a ride to the bus station and come to Lowell. I just wanted to see him. I know he takes the 7:50 bus on thursdays. I was there very early and the 7:15 showed up. I was like, fuck this, im, going, and i did. I was really planning on sitting there for an hour just to see him, but then i realized that he aint worth it. But last nite i also had three more reasons why i dont date teenagers. They are boys who only think about sex. Well, thats not much different than the thirty year olds i have talk to. I have lost hope. Men are men, period. post comment

Undecided [02 May 2005|09:59am] [ mood | blank ] Well, i miss him. More than anything in the world. Im not over it. I wish i was, but im not. I just dont get him. One day he wants me the next day he wont talk to me. But anyways Im really looking foward working at VS. I wish i get the job. im desperate for eork, but most of all, im desperate to fill up my time. Well, Adrn is leaving, the 14th. Which means going away party on the 13th. i dont think it has sunk in my head yet. I mean we have been friends for seven years, he is the only one that puts up with all my crap and i dont think i have learned to appreciate that. Im just used to him being there all the time, no matter what. We'll see waht happens. post comment

Thankfull!!! [27 Apr 2005|11:04am] [ mood | rejuvenated ] Well the rest of my life is looking pretty good right about now. I got the stamp of aproval!! Ten years waiting for that stamp. But now im scared. Now i have a lot of desicions to make. I really need to plan out my summer. I want to work, i want to take summer classes, i want to go to Ecuador, i want tot go to the Ireland trip, I want to get my own place and i need to figure out what school I want to transfer to. Im so sacared and nervous. I wish i could talk to him about it. Its over. I just have to learn how ot deal with it. My cousin is right. Its not the fact that he is not with me that bothers me, is the fact that he laft me for someone else.It hurts. But i just have to look at the bright side. He had nothing good to offer me. He did want me back. He knows the difference between me and her. I love him, i dont know why or how i can after everythign that he did to me, but i do. I just need to find another fish in this big sea. By the way, thanx Shan, for taking me to the strip club last nite. Mayvbe next time i'll go on stage with you. I learned a lot !!! post comment

The time has come..... [25 Apr 2005|12:42pm] [ mood | bitchy ] Im sick of all this shit, i aint taking nobody's crap anymore. Im tired of being the nice girl, im sick of trusting everyone and believing that there is still good in people. From now on i trust noone. Im sick of people taking advantage of my kindness. It all ends here. The bitch has arrived. I am not going to let anyone hurt me anymore. As for tomarrow, im keeping my fingers crossed. Tomarrow will be the first day of the rest of my and my family's life. Hopefully everyhting turns out the way we expect it. I need t6o releive my stress, kickboxing might help. By the way R.I.P abuelito........ post comment

yayayay [20 Apr 2005|10:45am] Im sooooooooooooo excited. Things are finally starting to shine for me and my family. I can now work and yes get my liscence. Even though i cant drive even if my life depended on it. But everything will be ok soon. I hope. Im really looking foward to living on my own. My mom is not too happy about that, but i think she is staring to get used tot he idea. She even told my father, so i guess that it is happening. To be honest, its kinda scary. I mean i know that i have always said it and it has been something that i have wanted for a long time, but now its actually in my hands. I CAN do it now. Before i couldnt get a jjob so i knew that it was all just crazy talk, but now its all upo to me, and that really scares me. Change freaks me out. Well tomarrow nite, hopefully it will be the best nite ever. I have been waiting so long for this. The plans are made everything is ready, I just hope my mother doesnt call me at my cousin's. Less than a month and i am outta school!!!!!!!!!!!!!! post comment

Stressed [11 Apr 2005|12:56pm] Well so now we are looking for an aprtment. I hate it. I have all these numbers and i keep on forgeting what number goes with what aparment. I want to stay in the north of Lawrence, for obious reasons or the south of methuen. I dont want to go to south lawrence. But we'll see what happens. Today i just got a lot of papers to catch up on. post comment

It feels like summer.... [07 Apr 2005|12:28pm] Im loving this wether. It makes me happy and i can wear colorfull flipflops, which by the way are on sale at Old Navy, two pairs for five bucks. Well i had my "last talk" today with him. I got to let go of a lot of shit. It felt good, and i feel good. I think im ok now. I get it, things cant always go my way. I left him thinking about a lot of shit. He doesnt want a relatonship, and im ok with that. I havent asked him for a relationship. I just dont want him fucking with my head. I like the way i feel right now. Im not mad and am not sad. i told him what i needed to tell him. He was honest with me. I let everything out and i have done pretty much all that i can do. The next step is his. Im done///.,....... post comment

TATTOOOOO!!!!!!!!! [31 Mar 2005|08:42am] I finally got it. Its tiny, but its real and its there. Shan finally took me to get my first one while she got her fifth one. It didnt hurt as much as i tough it would. Im sssooooooo excited. I think i'll be able to take a summer class with shan..........in Hawaii!!!! Its a five weeks program. Im so excited. Well nothing else worth writting about..... 1 comment|post comment

ONe normal day i hope [29 Mar 2005|08:40am] Well.... my school work sucks. I got a letter in the mail with a warning for 2 classes. My Media ethics and issues and my math. Math i can bring it up, i now that, but i just donr know about the other one. I have so much work to catch up on, and i thought that this semester i was going to do a lot better than the last one. But i know i can do it. Im just really confused about everything righ now. post comment

To whom it may be concern [10 Mar 2005|01:14pm] First of all thanx G, but u know that i dont let little stupid shit get to me. As for the ignorant person who wrote that comment, knock yourself out. Write what u want and think what u like.U obiously dont know me, therefore nothing that u say matters to me or the ones around me. I dont know where u got that idea from, but u obiously got issues. If u want to keep talking shit, gimme a call and i'll fill u in on whats happening in my life, so that u have more stuff to write about, u obiously have nothing else better to do. U think u have balls to write that, but u dont even have the guts to show urself. "Be yourself. say what u feel and do what u want. Because those who mind dont matter, and those matter dont mind." 2 comments|post comment

Sick againg!!! [08 Mar 2005|09:41am] I now have a cold. It sucks. Life just hits me with surprises left and right. So now that i am living in Methuen he wants to see me and he wants to take me to dinner and all this crap. When i dont call him and i ignore his ass, thats when he looks for me, Hes still with that bimbo, but still wants to be seen with me. I miss him A LOT!!. But i know that we cant be. But now im talking to the cute guy at my gym. Wqe'll see how that goes. 2 comments|post comment

Broken nose [15 Feb 2005|09:54am] [ mood | sick ] i think that im finally gonna give in and go to the hospital today. I think i have a fractured nose from when my mom kicked me by accident. Its criket and it hurts like a bitch. I had a fever yesterday and my nose is burning. I think its getting infected. I feel like shit. but i have to got o class 3 comments|post comment

Friday!!!!! [11 Feb 2005|08:43am] [ mood | silly ] So wednesday i was in the worst mood. All bumbed out, sad for God knows why. I went to the gym But i didnt feel like working out. So i was sitting there and i saw this guy using the air bag. We started talking and i told him that i wanted to try the bag. I spent two hours punching my brains out. It truns out that he was a boxing coach. I had the time of my life. he was teaching a lot of good things. By the time i got home, i was so relaxed, everything felt so good. I woke up the next day and my hand was purple, i had cut one of my nuckles and i cant bring my arms up. Well then last nite i get a call from shannoon, her mom just had a heart attack. So i rushed to the hospital to met with her. Shes ok now, but shannon is still very upset and scared. Well i didnt go to my first class today, i dont know why, im just a lazy bum.... post comment

Falling apart [07 Feb 2005|11:10am] [ mood | blank ] I dont know anymore. My dads leaving, we just found out that my grandmother has cancer, we are kicked out of the apartment, still no papers, and everything that i do backfires on me. I dont know what has taking over my head, but im not loosing it anymore. I HAVE LOST IT!!!! Completly. School is my only world right now, and shannon is my valentine!!!! post comment

Bored!!! [14 Jan 2005|03:10pm] I cant wait to start school againg. Im dying here at home with my mother. Well nothing new w/ asshole. We arre " just friedns" i guess. Im ok. I think that now i just miss being in a relationship. Today is nothign but rain and i have a date with shannon at ten. Movie night.!!! post comment

Finally!!! [04 Jan 2005|08:37pm] Well i finally got the confrontation that i have wanted for the past 2 months. We were in his office and he whle time he was looking at me as if it was the time hes seen me. He couldnt stop looking at my legs for some reason. So i asked him" what happend between us" he said "I dont know. We were going in different directions. We needed more time." Then he said that he didnt wan to break up with me cause he cared too much about me and THAT HE STILL DOES!!. Then i asked him " why did u insisted on staying with me when i asked u to breajk up?" He said "CAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH U. i WANTED US TO STAY TOGETHER." What the hell....first he wants to break up, then he says he wants to stay with me??? I dont get it. This guy was pulling shit outta his ass left and right, but i didnt care. He denied cheating on me, but he didnt deny that he was with her now. And for the first time, that honestly didmt hurt me. Im over it. All i wanted was for him to want me back and without saying it, he showed me that he does. All i wanted was for him to realize what he lost, and i think that he has. So he said that we should stay friends, and i said under two conditions. One; not to ever let it cross his mind that i was going to let him lay a finger on me, and two; that he has to say hi to me when he sees me, no matter who is around. He said " No problem". We both miss eachother, and we couldnt hide it when we said bye. He leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek and everything just froze for a moment. It was asif, we had been wauiting for this for a long time. It was like eternity. I dont know why. Then we looked at eachothers eyes and said bye. 1 comment|post comment

New Year Baby!!! [02 Jan 2005|04:17pm] Well its a new year. ON New year's eve i talked to him early and it was as if he didnt want to talk to me. Then at 8:30 p.m,he calls my cells phone and once more doesnt say a word, just played a love song for me. Ten minutes later i called him and he didnt pick u, and i havent talked to him ever since. What the hell!!! Althoguh at this point its as if i dont care. I do care, but i think that i got my awnser without him saying a word. Tuesday is the day though. Its gotta happen. He really thinks that i'll be back with him. Well hes got another thing coming. .... 1 comment|post comment

High hopes for the new year!!! [31 Dec 2004|05:00pm] OK i dont know whats going on but im still unable to talk to him. My mother has been hom all week so i cant bring him here. The other day he left home early and today i was in NH all day. Something is weird though. I mean a couple of days ago, when i told him sorry i coulndt make it that day. I said " I will call u tomarrow:, he said " I want to talk to u tonite" I told him i was going ot be busy, and he said aight ma. Yesterday, i sent thim a text, he didnt write back, today i talked to him and he tolkd me that he was busy, that he'llbe able to talk when my copusing goes in to work. But its as if he doesnt want to talk to me. I guess that it just keeps on going around in circles. One day he says he misses me, that he is soo happy to hear my voice, that hje doesnt want to hang up the phone, and then two days later, he acts as if he doesnt care if we ever talk or not. mY cousin said that he has a lot of shit to worry about at work. All im aksing for is my awnsers. He is willing to give them to me. but he wants to do it in person. When we have this conversation i want it to be just the two of us, no cell phine and no interruptions. Thats why i dont want to see him in the office. I got a plan for tuesday mornign, hopefully it will work.... 1 comment|post comment

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