kandy_38

just waiting

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 03:35:54 GMT

well its been a while. I passed my classes. not with the best grades but i got all my credits. I made my schedule for the fall. i will still take 4 classes but only got to school 2 days a week. I need to work more, i really need to move on. I never thought i wil say this, but im waiting on himj. I told him how i felt and he just asked me to give him time. he says that he needs time. Im actually waiting for him. i have no other choice. I cant live without him. He completes me. Above all things i need him by my side.... I dont know what else to say.. I know im disapointing a lot of people, but u cant help who you fall in love with....

All right

Tue, 10 May 2005 15:06:33 GMT

Finals aree soo stressful. Yesterday i had to stay in the library until 9 p.m. wrtting my stupid paper. I have soo much shit to catch up on. Well today shan and i are limited time offers, two for one deal!! Well i talked to him yesterday. I cant do it. I cant get him outta my head. I try and i try, but i dont want this to go away. I still got hope. i think about the nagatives and it makes no difference. He took her on the vacation that we had planned for the two of us. I jusat dont get myself now.....

YAYAYAYA!!!!!!

Thu, 05 May 2005 13:23:45 GMT

I am so proud of myself. Well last nite i my mom asked to go in to work at 2. I was there untilb 12:30 a.m and i had to be up by 5:30 so i can get a ride to the bus station and come to Lowell. I just wanted to see him. I know he takes the 7:50 bus on thursdays. I was there very early and the 7:15 showed up. I was like, fuck this, im, going, and i did. I was really planning on sitting there for an hour just to see him, but then i realized that he aint worth it. But last nite i also had three more reasons why i dont date teenagers. They are boys who only think about sex. Well, thats not much different than the thirty year olds i have talk to. I have lost hope. Men are men, period.

Undecided

Mon, 02 May 2005 14:07:54 GMT

Well, i miss him. More than anything in the world. Im not over it. I wish i was, but im not. I just dont get him. One day he wants me the next day he wont talk to me. But anyways Im really looking foward working at VS. I wish i get the job. im desperate for eork, but most of all, im desperate to fill up my time. Well, Adrn is leaving, the 14th. Which means going away party on the 13th. i dont think it has sunk in my head yet. I mean we have been friends for seven years, he is the only one that puts up with all my crap and i dont think i have learned to appreciate that. Im just used to him being there all the time, no matter what. We'll see waht happens.

Thankfull!!!

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 15:17:03 GMT

Well the rest of my life is looking pretty good right about now. I got the stamp of aproval!! Ten years waiting for that stamp. But now im scared. Now i have a lot of desicions to make. I really need to plan out my summer. I want to work, i want to take summer classes, i want to go to Ecuador, i want tot go to the Ireland trip, I want to get my own place and i need to figure out what school I want to transfer to. Im so sacared and nervous. I wish i could talk to him about it. Its over. I just have to learn how ot deal with it. My cousin is right. Its not the fact that he is not with me that bothers me, is the fact that he laft me for someone else.It hurts. But i just have to look at the bright side. He had nothing good to offer me. He did want me back. He knows the difference between me and her. I love him, i dont know why or how i can after everythign that he did to me, but i do. I just need to find another fish in this big sea. By the way, thanx Shan, for taking me to the strip club last nite. Mayvbe next time i'll go on stage with you. I learned a lot !!!

The time has come.....

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 16:48:13 GMT

Im sick of all this shit, i aint taking nobody's crap anymore. Im tired of being the nice girl, im sick of trusting everyone and believing that there is still good in people. From now on i trust noone. Im sick of people taking advantage of my kindness. It all ends here. The bitch has arrived. I am not going to let anyone hurt me anymore. As for tomarrow, im keeping my fingers crossed. Tomarrow will be the first day of the rest of my and my family's life. Hopefully everyhting turns out the way we expect it. I need t6o releive my stress, kickboxing might help. By the way R.I.P abuelito........

yayayay

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 14:52:41 GMT

Im sooooooooooooo excited. Things are finally starting to shine for me and my family. I can now work and yes get my liscence. Even though i cant drive even if my life depended on it. But everything will be ok soon. I hope. Im really looking foward to living on my own. My mom is not too happy about that, but i think she is staring to get used tot he idea. She even told my father, so i guess that it is happening. To be honest, its kinda scary. I mean i know that i have always said it and it has been something that i have wanted for a long time, but now its actually in my hands. I CAN do it now. Before i couldnt get a jjob so i knew that it was all just crazy talk, but now its all upo to me, and that really scares me. Change freaks me out. Well tomarrow nite, hopefully it will be the best nite ever. I have been waiting so long for this. The plans are made everything is ready, I just hope my mother doesnt call me at my cousin's. Less than a month and i am outta school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stressed

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 16:58:42 GMT

Well so now we are looking for an aprtment. I hate it. I have all these numbers and i keep on forgeting what number goes with what aparment. I want to stay in the north of Lawrence, for obious reasons or the south of methuen. I dont want to go to south lawrence. But we'll see what happens. Today i just got a lot of papers to catch up on.

It feels like summer....

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 16:36:07 GMT

Im loving this wether. It makes me happy and i can wear colorfull flipflops, which by the way are on sale at Old Navy, two pairs for five bucks. Well i had my "last talk" today with him. I got to let go of a lot of shit. It felt good, and i feel good. I think im ok now. I get it, things cant always go my way. I left him thinking about a lot of shit. He doesnt want a relatonship, and im ok with that. I havent asked him for a relationship. I just dont want him fucking with my head. I like the way i feel right now. Im not mad and am not sad. i told him what i needed to tell him. He was honest with me. I let everything out and i have done pretty much all that i can do. The next step is his. Im done///.,.......

TATTOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 13:45:40 GMT

I finally got it. Its tiny, but its real and its there. Shan finally took me to get my first one while she got her fifth one. It didnt hurt as much as i tough it would. Im sssooooooo excited. I think i'll be able to take a summer class with shan..........in Hawaii!!!! Its a five weeks program. Im so excited. Well nothing else worth writting about.....

ONe normal day i hope

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 13:42:31 GMT

Well.... my school work sucks. I got a letter in the mail with a warning for 2 classes. My Media ethics and issues and my math. Math i can bring it up, i now that, but i just donr know about the other one. I have so much work to catch up on, and i thought that this semester i was going to do a lot better than the last one. But i know i can do it. Im just really confused about everything righ now.

To whom it may be concern

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 18:22:19 GMT

First of all thanx G, but u know that i dont let little stupid shit get to me. As for the ignorant person who wrote that comment, knock yourself out. Write what u want and think what u like.U obiously dont know me, therefore nothing that u say matters to me or the ones around me. I dont know where u got that idea from, but u obiously got issues. If u want to keep talking shit, gimme a call and i'll fill u in on whats happening in my life, so that u have more stuff to write about, u obiously have nothing else better to do. U think u have balls to write that, but u dont even have the guts to show urself.

"Be yourself. say what u feel and do what u want. Because those who mind dont matter, and those matter dont mind."

Sick againg!!!

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 14:37:52 GMT

I now have a cold. It sucks. Life just hits me with surprises left and right. So now that i am living in Methuen he wants to see me and he wants to take me to dinner and all this crap. When i dont call him and i ignore his ass, thats when he looks for me, Hes still with that bimbo, but still wants to be seen with me. I miss him A LOT!!. But i know that we cant be. But now im talking to the cute guy at my gym. Wqe'll see how that goes.

Broken nose

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 15:01:00 GMT

i think that im finally gonna give in and go to the hospital today. I think i have a fractured nose from when my mom kicked me by accident. Its criket and it hurts like a bitch. I had a fever yesterday and my nose is burning. I think its getting infected. I feel like shit. but i have to got o class

Friday!!!!!

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 13:49:47 GMT

So wednesday i was in the worst mood. All bumbed out, sad for God knows why. I went to the gym But i didnt feel like working out. So i was sitting there and i saw this guy using the air bag. We started talking and i told him that i wanted to try the bag. I spent two hours punching my brains out. It truns out that he was a boxing coach. I had the time of my life. he was teaching a lot of good things. By the time i got home, i was so relaxed, everything felt so good. I woke up the next day and my hand was purple, i had cut one of my nuckles and i cant bring my arms up. Well then last nite i get a call from shannoon, her mom just had a heart attack. So i rushed to the hospital to met with her. Shes ok now, but shannon is still very upset and scared. Well i didnt go to my first class today, i dont know why, im just a lazy bum....

Falling apart

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 16:16:04 GMT

I dont know anymore. My dads leaving, we just found out that my grandmother has cancer, we are kicked out of the apartment, still no papers, and everything that i do backfires on me. I dont know what has taking over my head, but im not loosing it anymore. I HAVE LOST IT!!!! Completly. School is my only world right now, and shannon is my valentine!!!!

Bored!!!

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 20:12:41 GMT

I cant wait to start school againg. Im dying here at home with my mother. Well nothing new w/ asshole. We arre " just friedns" i guess. Im ok. I think that now i just miss being in a relationship. Today is nothign but rain and i have a date with shannon at ten. Movie night.!!!

Finally!!!

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 01:48:50 GMT

Well i finally got the confrontation that i have wanted for the past 2 months. We were in his office and he whle time he was looking at me as if it was the time hes seen me. He couldnt stop looking at my legs for some reason. So i asked him" what happend between us" he said "I dont know. We were going in different directions. We needed more time." Then he said that he didnt wan to break up with me cause he cared too much about me and THAT HE STILL DOES!!. Then i asked him " why did u insisted on staying with me when i asked u to breajk up?" He said "CAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH U. i WANTED US TO STAY TOGETHER." What the hell....first he wants to break up, then he says he wants to stay with me??? I dont get it. This guy was pulling shit outta his ass left and right, but i didnt care. He denied cheating on me, but he didnt deny that he was with her now. And for the first time, that honestly didmt hurt me. Im over it. All i wanted was for him to want me back and without saying it, he showed me that he does. All i wanted was for him to realize what he lost, and i think that he has. So he said that we should stay friends, and i said under two conditions. One; not to ever let it cross his mind that i was going to let him lay a finger on me, and two; that he has to say hi to me when he sees me, no matter who is around. He said " No problem". We both miss eachother, and we couldnt hide it when we said bye. He leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek and everything just froze for a moment. It was asif, we had been wauiting for this for a long time. It was like eternity. I dont know why. Then we looked at eachothers eyes and said bye.

New Year Baby!!!

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 21:21:43 GMT

Well its a new year. ON New year's eve i talked to him early and it was as if he didnt want to talk to me. Then at 8:30 p.m,he calls my cells phone and once more doesnt say a word, just played a love song for me. Ten minutes later i called him and he didnt pick u, and i havent talked to him ever since. What the hell!!! Althoguh at this point its as if i dont care. I do care, but i think that i got my awnser without him saying a word. Tuesday is the day though. Its gotta happen. He really thinks that i'll be back with him. Well hes got another thing coming. ....

High hopes for the new year!!!

Fri, 31 Dec 2004 22:06:56 GMT

OK i dont know whats going on but im still unable to talk to him. My mother has been hom all week so i cant bring him here. The other day he left home early and today i was in NH all day. Something is weird though. I mean a couple of days ago, when i told him sorry i coulndt make it that day. I said " I will call u tomarrow:, he said " I want to talk to u tonite" I told him i was going ot be busy, and he said aight ma. Yesterday, i sent thim a text, he didnt write back, today i talked to him and he tolkd me that he was busy, that he'llbe able to talk when my copusing goes in to work. But its as if he doesnt want to talk to me. I guess that it just keeps on going around in circles. One day he says he misses me, that he is soo happy to hear my voice, that hje doesnt want to hang up the phone, and then two days later, he acts as if he doesnt care if we ever talk or not. mY cousin said that he has a lot of shit to worry about at work. All im aksing for is my awnsers. He is willing to give them to me. but he wants to do it in person. When we have this conversation i want it to be just the two of us, no cell phine and no interruptions. Thats why i dont want to see him in the office. I got a plan for tuesday mornign, hopefully it will work....

Chaos!!!

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 19:46:47 GMT

I dont know what im getting myself into, but i got to do this no matter what the outcome is. On monday i accidently sent asshole a text messege sayin that i missed him. The next day he sends me one saying hi. Five minutes later he called me and i acted as if i didnt know what he was talking about. Well, we ended up talking later on that nite. He was calling me baby and mami. I was like i aint ur kid or ur mother. I finally broke the question and asked him y he didnt break up with me up front, He said it was because he cared too much about the way i felt and that he didnt want to hurt me. I asked him y, what happend? He said it was better to talk about it in person. I felt a lot better after that talk. I was unable to met him today, but we'll see about tomarrow. Oh yeah, when were atlking about somethign something and he asked me "what, do u think im stupid?" I said " well, u must be for having something good with u and letting go. Right?" He was like yeah......

Oh Man!!!!

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 20:48:46 GMT

So i told Marivel that i will go to store today to drop off her gift. She told me that she was going to be working working from 8-3. I knew that he was going to be there and i was just not in the mood to see him. So i told my dad to stop by there so i can drop of her gift really quick. This way it will just be an in and out thing. So i go in and asshole and bimbo are on register. I look around the whole store and marivel was nowhere to be found. I had no other choice but to talk to him. I asked him where marivel was and he said that she was coming in at 12. So i asked if he could give her the gift that i will her later. He said sure no problem, and i said thanx. Within the first two seconds that i was next two him, she was calling him over to her register cause she was having problems with the machine. By that time i was out the door. So i called marivel at 2, and she told me that he didnt give her my gift. She asked him if anyone went in to see her and he said no. Why Why??? Well i guess that he is going to give it ti her when they all to the gift exchange. All i know is that my close is picked out for tonite, the liquor is bought, and i will have my cousina nd my best friend by my side. I was kinda upset in the morning cause we called my grandmother. She is going in for surgery on monday and it just sucks that we cant be together for the holidays. My dad took me to the mall. HE finally got my mom her gift and he got me the express jeans that i wanted. They were really expensive, sixty bucks. But its not easy for me to find jeans with these thighs and this butt. I always have the same problem with pants. Loose on the waits but tight on the ass and thighs. But oh well, i hope that i have a good time tonite. Merry Xmas everyone!!!!

Still thinking

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 01:42:19 GMT

My cousin is sick and tired of hearing the same shit over and over againg about asshole. I think we came down to this conclusion: What hurts me the most is the type of girl that he left me for. Im a well-educated person, with self-respect, i come from a good family, and even though all this shit happended, everyone at his work place still say hi to me and treat me with respect. Her, she is a two dollar hore. She litterly throws herself at any man that walks throguh the door, nobody in the store respects her, even though they all know that she is sleeping with the boss (asshole). I mean, i know that there are some girls out there who are not the best looking but they at least got a personality or somehting. The only thing this girl has is open legs. OK here is a little summary of the story. When we first got together, we didnt take our realtionship very seriously. I mean there is a big age difference. I had to hide the realitonship from my mother since she would freak out. After a while, he told me that i should tell my mom about our realationship. I was scared to for the fact that hes not "leagally" seperated from his wife yet. He is living back with his mother now, but legally he is still married. UNder very bad circimstances, my mother found out that he was the one i was dating. She didnt react the way i expected, buy she was upset. The age thing and the married thing. she said she will leave it up to me to make the right desicion. whne he found out that mother knew, he asked me to move in with him in our own place. He said that i didnt have to work and that he would pay for my school.He also wanted me to have his kid. NOOOOO!!!!!! How can this guy support me, himself, a baby and my college tuition. Besides, IM 18 i dont need all this. I really liked this guy but i was not ready to be tied down. How can i be a mother,a house wife and a college student at the same time. I have different goals that dont involve kids or living here for the rest of my life. Our relationship was good. We would talk constantly, EVERYONE knew were dating, we would go out to eat in public and we just learned a lot from eachother. But deep down we both knew that this relationship was no right. We wanted different things, we couldnt spend that much "alone" time since we lived far from eachother and we couldnt drive, 14 years is a lot, Altough in this case, i was the mature one. A couple of days after bimbo began workinh there, i noticed that he was distant. He will tell me that he will call back and never did. He actually said "no" to going to a movie just the of us. His excuse was "Its too cold outside". he would never act this way with me. So i confronted him and asked him what was wrong. His response was I have too much stress from work rihgt now. I asked him if he wanted us to take a break or if he needed some time by himself. I asked him this several times, and every singl time he would say, "No baby, i want to be with u. Just be patient with me. This will go away". OK lets take a break from the story. This is what i dont get. If he didnt want to be with me. WHY THE HELL DID HE INSIST ON IT. Why???? CAn someon eplease awnser my question. After a couple of days, the rumors bagan that she was saying that she liked him. Well in her words it was more like "If i get a hold of him I will break him. He doesnt know half the stuff that i can do to him". I called her and confronted her about it. She didnt deny liking him. But he never called again. He would pick up my phone calls, he wouldnt text mesaage me back. A couple of days later i found out that he was spending the night at her house. A didnt go by the store for a couplr of weeks. The third week i went in, he saw me and he went to the back. Two days later he called me 3 times to play m love songs. When he sees me now he smiles at me and says hi. I pretend that he is not even there. Thats what the story is up to now. Now here is the reason why i want to talk to him. On one hand the fact that he did what he did means that he didnt really care about me and that he didnt care whether he lost me or not. But on the other hand, u treat someone the way he treated me if u dont care about them. I mean for him to want to confront my parents, for him to show me off in public, and want me to move in with him. So what happened, What did he really feel. Once more here is my cousin's conclusion. He did care about me, but he knew that our relaitonship was too complicated. he dint want to braek with me becaus ehe had no excuse to and it would have been harder. He still says hi to me because he knows that i didnt do anythign wrong. He will always remeber me as a good girlfriend and that he was the one that fucked up. He still thinks about me thats why he called me. and he doesnt take it seriously becasue he denies her, he makes fun of her, and he if he really cared about her, he would not have wnted me to og to their x-mas party bacuse he knows that that wouyld bother. Hes not the man for. He wants to be with me but he doesnt wnat the confrntationl. Hes going to deny it and its gonna suck because he knows that i know. My cousin tells me not to talk to him if he approaches me casue im not gonna get what i want out of him. I just want to know why?? But he is not going to admit it. He'll just say that they are rumors. I saw the pictures in his phone, but he doesnt know that. I know i need to get over it i just dont like to walk way from things when they are not completly finished. This is killing me inside, but he'll never have the pleasure of knowing it. I still walk with my head held up high, and they are the ones that look bad. "He was a bump in the road, I triped, but he didnt make me fall." Thats how i want to look at it from now on.....

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 17:51:59 GMT

I cant hide it anymore. All this time i have been hidding my pain through anger. Im hurt, and im in pain. I need to cry and i need to be sad because thats what u do when u have been hurt. I went to the store today and i made the mistake of asking my cousin to let in the office and look through his phone. He had a bunch of pictures her. He didnt have my picture in his wallet anymore, yes they are still together, What did i do to deserve this. I was nothing but good to him. I loved him and although i hate to admit it i still do, but its easier to be angry than sad. I mean he sees me and he smiles at me. He called and played me love songs. He says he hasnt found the right one yet, meaning that he doesnt think shes right for him either. I just need to know why he did what he did. I mean i gave him a chance to take a break so he could have time for himself and he said " NO, i want to be with u" y did he do that. Y did he want to hurt me unpurpose? I was a good girlfriend, my only mistake was giving too much. Y did he called with songs saying, he cant stop thinking about me and that we belomng topgehter, Why does he play with my head like that? Why not just leave me alone? I dont what to do. I miss him and i want to be with him, but I cant be with someone that has put through so much pain. I think i should just start looking for a girl cause men put throught too much shit!!!

Very Cold!!!

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 21:11:36 GMT

OK so yesterday i was talking to Marivel, and she asked me to go to the store's x-mas party on friday. I said no cause i will feel really unconfortable. The she asked asshole and he was like "yeah, she can come, I will love to see her here". Seriously. Issues!!!! Why the hell will he want me there. Aparently he is not seeing bimbo anymore, but he hasnt made any other move to approach me. All he does is smile at me and say hi when he sees me. Im so sick of it. He says that he hasnt found the right one. How can he find the right one when he doesnt even know what hes looking for. I mean on one hand he talks about buying a house and stargin a family againg. But then againg he wants to fuck every girl that gives him a chance. Hiw can a girl give him what he wants when he doesnt even know what that is? He needs to find himself, find what makes him happy and then look for a girl that will offer what hes looking for. How can anyone love him if he doesnt love himself first. I just hope that he doesnt ask me to go back to him againg. Cause it willl hurt what i have to say. Im sick of playing games with him. I need someone that will help me grow as a person. NOt someone who i need to look after like a little kid. I thought hat him being 32 and all will offer me that. But it was worse than dating a teenager. I just finshed my first semester in college, i got my whole life ahead of me. I have tried to help him, i have talked to him. He is not my responsiblity anymore.